The Birth of Lucky the BYRD through a miscarriage.

Many of you know I have a Big Yellow Rubber Ducky (BYRD) riding around with me in my black Jeep. Where did Lucky come from? Why is he a thing? Why a rubber duck? How is he staying in there? Are questions I get quite often.

First of all, you must know why it had to be a rubber ducky. If you have a Jeep or ever had one, you’d know. If you have never had interests in Jeeps, you won’t, unless of course you have a friend that tells you about it. In the world of Jeepers, we do something called “ducking a Jeep”. If you see another Jeep parked somewhere, you stop by and put a rubber duck on their Jeep to brighten that person’s day. Someone started this several years ago and it spread like wild fire. It is now, naturally, a Jeep thing.

How is the rubber duck secured? Well, in my Jeep, and the later models of Jeeps, they have D-rings built into the bed/floor in the back of the Jeep. I have tow straps hooked onto the rings and crisscrossing across the rubber ducky’s back. No matter how strong the winds are, that duck ain’t goin’ no where!

Where did he come from? I got him from Amazon! The one I get comes in a pair for a little over $50. I have already killed 4 Luckys and we are now rotating between 2… (ah ah ah ah stayin alive stayin alive….)

Why is Lucky a thing? He is the product of my miscarriage.

I am sure all who have experienced this can agree that the mourning period of a miscarriage was the most emotionally painful thing we have ever gone through in our entire lives. I have lost my dad in 2013 and the pain was not even close to what this put me through.

It is the kind of pain that is indescribable. You can’t know or even imagine what it is like. I used to think I was able to imagine what it was like. My menstrual pain was really bad at one point in my life and the pain of the miscarriage was close to that, however, combined with the emotional pain and the length of time I had to withstand it… Not even a little bit close to what I “imagined” it to be.

I fell into an extreme depression and it was very hard to get out. Physical pain alone, I told my husband he would have died if he went through what I was going through. I did everything I could to feel even a little bit better. I changed my diet, I started things like mudwater which really helped. This was all before the pregancy hormones finally went away, which obviously helped tremendously. That was not quite enough and I knew I had to did into my emotions to be able to breakthrough this lack of drive, depression, and the sudden need for adrenaline.

This was about the time when Lucky came to fruition and he made me happy. Driving around with a ridiculously enormous rubber duck played into my inner child, which was exactly what I needed, but what made me even happier was seeing everyone else smile as I drove by them. So many smiles!

I saw my decluttering coach, I may have mentioned her before. She literally helps with decluttering, but I feel like she ultimately declutters my emotions. Though her I found I had completely numbed myself so that I didn’t have to feel the pain of the loss and, yes I lost the baby, but I found I had also lost the hope of not dying alone. I had no idea I had this fear!

With this new knowledge I was able to change everything around and now I gained my energy, drive, and motivation back.

This experience brought me more awareness, a completely different plan for my future (which I feel is better than my last plan), and another way to help people by telling my story.

During the time I was going though the miscarriage and felt very lost in it, I did a ton of research and couldn’t find anything to read. I just needed everyone else’s personal stories. I wanted to be aware of what may or may not become of me. I understood that everyone’s experiences are different, but if I knew all the stories (whatever I could find), I would be somewhat understanding of what I could expect. It would also be nice to know that I wasn’t going crazy… I mean we all know I am crazy, but I wanted to know that what I was going through was a normal part of the miscarriage. Did I have to be worried? I did find a lot of podcasts and youtube videos of people’s personal stories, but I didn’t want to watch and listen, I wanted to read. I wanted to be isolated with my own thoughts and it is hard to feel successful in isolation when you are watching or listening to another human being talk.

FYI, I like to be in isolation to figure out what I am going through. Especially when I am completely lost. I was going nuts with the HCG levels still active with nowhere to go but get absorbed in my own body. That crazy was another level of crazy. Talk about a hormonal rage! No Josh was not affected, I didn’t tear him apart. However, I felt like I was falling apart and the only way I could figure out what is happening was to do my research and try to understand my body in the physical sense. When I understand, I can tell my family what I found and come out of my isolation. When I am not isolated to go through my process, I unknowingly block all of my feelings to be able to go through my day. That would make it extra hard to find answers.

I wrote this book to be that story that I needed for someone else. I know this is only one story, but it better than none and there will be more to come, because I plan on doing a bigger book of short stories from people who are more than happy to share details. That will be later though. I have a second book to go along with this book. I don’t know the title yet, but the book is already written. It is in the perspective of my husband. There is nothing out there supporting the husband or partner watching the miscarriage happen from the sidelines. We wrote the book together in hopes to help both husband and wife or both partners. So keep an eye out for that one!

In the mean time, this book is available for purchase for those who are currently struggling. You are also welcome to purchase if you would like to read through what I went through. You all know, I am an open book and I have no problem sharing my story, whether it is my miscarriage, my life in Japan that wasn’t pleasant, and everything else in between. I have a book in my head for all of them… Should I just become a writer????